I AM WRITING

At my age, I don’t really look forward to another year. At this point in my life, I feel that time goes by so fast. My kids are no longer babies and too many things happen every single day. Often times, the month just starts and then I get my menstruation period which used to be at the beginning of the double digits but it started sooner than that. It’s very unfortu nate, and painful, that at this point in my life my periods are highlighted by acne and pain/cramps. Why? In this stage of my life I’ve also realized that “whys,” no matter how sincere my questioning is, never gets answered. In my teens, the “whys” were always addressed to God, and yes, prayerfully, God started lagging and lacking early on. By the time I was 19, he (yes, it’s a man) completely failed me. As with the development of a divine self, or an all-powerful being, this is ultimately intertwined with one’s self-worth. So, by that time because he failed me, I am better off dead. Life has no meaning...

I was introduced to this song by my daughter's chorus. Thanks, Ms. Trobaugh. Crazy that I've only heard of it now. My daughter learned about it at age 10. That's cool. Here are the lyrics-- Blackbird The Beatles Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see All your life You were only waiting for this moment to be free. Blackbird fly, blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing … My favorite rendition is Sarah McLachlan's:  https://youtu.be/o8ac3tEltTU

So much has happened last week that I have not been able to write every day. 😞 Camp NaNoWriMo started yesterday and I was able to listen to the Virtual Write-in today. I am in the process of editing my first novel and it’s taking a lot of time. I haven’t gotten into a groove or a habit. Every day is a struggle but I commit myself to my writing so that my novel can get finished. It is the only way. I am continually experiencing de javu. The building and the structures that have been in my dreams are beginning to leak into my waking consciousness. I usually take that to mean that my unconscious is becoming conscious. Interweaving the life I left and the life I have now is an opening and a beginning. I know that in my dreams once I got away from the buildings I couldn’t get back to them no matter how much I tried. I’m pretty sure this means that I’m not supposed to go back. My past if looked at is full of regrets and guilt-trips. Shoulda, woulda, couldas… The Buddha ...