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Showing posts from January, 2018

Life Always Gets In The Way

I want to die all of a sudden. A terrible thought that has been my way of coping since 19. I have a life worth saving. Writing is revealing, agonizing, and achingly healing. A vague sense of emotional truth I cannot articulate. I used to be very good at memorizing. All my brain cells performed at their highest performance to survive my childhood. Memory verses. All English, not Tagalog. So much so that I couldn’t read the Tagalog Bible. I could not even pray in Tagalog. Trauma can physiologically distort the functioning of the brain. Our brains can hide and erase memory to protect us from unbearable pain. I don’t think I have forgotten much. Was my tolerance for pain so high that instead of not remembering, I remembered everything? Then, because I remembered I developed an anxiety disorder at 12 and full depression seven years later. Freud suggested that traumatized people will attempt to revisit injury in all its complexity and form, in order to master its terror and regain emotiona…


such a popular name
a strong name 
the name of the first female ruler of the western world she is an only child
but she feels very missed
her thoughts are overcome with darkness
and emptiness. and abandoned 
it's no wonder
the dark is so appealing she likes charles bukowski
she is so sweet and so helpful
but she gives too much of herself
and she is allured by melancholy. i ask her to take my hand
notice us
we don't want you to stay in the dark
realize you are not alone
let go of past hurts. let the dead bury the dead
i write a poetry for her 
but i have struggled also as she has
truth is, there's an "elizabeth" in all of us. we all need each other
we all need to not take another for granted
we all struggle with the dark's beckoning 
and we all have to choose daily whether to heed its call or not.