I AM WRITING

I want to die all of a sudden. A terrible thought that has been my way of coping since 19. I have a life worth saving. Writing is revealing, agonizing, and achingly healing. A vague sense of emotional truth I cannot articulate. I used to be very good at memorizing. All my brain cells performed at their highest performance to survive my childhood. Memory verses. All English, not Tagalog. So much so that I couldn’t read the Tagalog Bible. I could not even pray in Tagalog. Trauma can physiologically distort the functioning of the brain. Our brains can hide and erase memory to protect us from unbearable pain. I don’t think I have forgotten much. Was my tolerance for pain so high that instead of not remembering, I remembered everything? Then, because I remembered I developed an anxiety disorder at 12 and full depression seven years later. Freud suggested that traumatized people will attempt to revisit injury in all its complexity and form, in order to mas

such a popular name a strong name  the name of the first female ruler of the western world she is an only child but she feels very missed her thoughts are overcome with darkness and emptiness. and abandoned  it's no wonder the dark is so appealing she likes charles bukowski she is so sweet and so helpful but she gives too much of herself and she is allured by melancholy. i ask her to take my hand notice us we don't want you to stay in the dark realize you are not alone let go of past hurts. let the dead bury the dead i write a poetry for her  but i have struggled also as she has truth is, there's an "elizabeth" in all of us. we all need each other we all need to not take another for granted we all struggle with the dark's beckoning  and we all have to choose daily whether to heed its call or not.