Skip to main content

Life Always Gets In The Way

I want to die all of a sudden. A terrible thought that has been my way of coping since 19.
I have a life worth saving.
Writing is revealing, agonizing, and achingly healing.
A vague sense of emotional truth I cannot articulate.
I used to be very good at memorizing.
All my brain cells performed at their highest performance to survive my childhood.
Memory verses. All English, not Tagalog.
So much so that I couldn’t read the Tagalog Bible.
I could not even pray in Tagalog.
Trauma can physiologically distort the functioning of the brain.
Our brains can hide and erase memory to protect us from unbearable pain.
I don’t think I have forgotten much.
Was my tolerance for pain so high that instead of not remembering, I remembered everything?
Then, because I remembered I developed an anxiety disorder at 12 and full depression seven years later.
Freud suggested that traumatized people will attempt to revisit injury in all its complexity and form, in order to master its terror and regain emotional control. That’s what all my dreams are. Representations and symbolism, so many to mention. Most are recurring. My critic wonders if they’re worth saying.
These are the questions I have to ask myself as I write my novel:
What do you want?
What do you feel?
What do you carry?
What do you most want me to know?
What are you most afraid of?
What do you have to gain by changing?
What do you have to lose?
I’ve revisited these questions so many times in 20+ years of therapy. I finally got the courage to divorce my husband of 14 years after two children. However, I could not do it alone. The decision to divorce had to be separated from judgment and shaming.
My younger sister could not separate it from that. As a result, we have been estranged for almost a decade. She’s okay with it, I’m okay with it. It’s a necessary estrangement.
Life is not a stage.
Life cannot be performed on the stage.
Life cannot fit on the stage.
Certainly, not on the stage of my childhood.
And not the theater of my childhood religion.
All difficult and necessary.
I could get lost in all this depth.
Finding my voice took many years and happened only through my children’s eyes.
My childhood happened through them.
My childhood trauma healed through the childhood I gave them.
My fears often played out in my dreams and mostly devoid of my children’s presence.
Startling depths.
Must continue.


Popular posts from this blog

Beautiful Vistas in Anxious Dreamscapes

I'm always awed by the pictures that Bing or Microsoft shows me before I log into my computer. Today it's the picture you see above. Of course, when it was on my screen it was a whole lot prettier. Copyrighted by Robert Harding.

Yesterday, daylight savings time started. Zoey asked her dad to stay with us one more day and he granted it.

My dream before I woke up this morning consisted of Eddard that would change into Philip (my youngest brother, my brain has always done this). My dad that really looked more like Ed (my ex) and a girlfriend. We were touring Europe and I was cognizant that this is the third time I've been there.

In my dream I was recalling the last time I was in Europe where I saw a cruise/show ship just like they do in Disneyworld for Fantasmic (somewhere in Paris and in the daytime, Fantasmic is a show they do on water and only at night). This time we were in a strip mall or indoor mall like a flea market.

We stopped at a restaurant that let its customers eat o…

Getting Motivated to Write

This is from Bryan Collins and he's from Ireland. He has a blog called, "Become A Writer Today."

I haven't blogged on here since the end NaNoWriMo. I have taken the pledge to edit my rough draft.

I've been very busy this month because my husband had his third open heart surgery.

I wanted to list this here so I can review it if I need to--

Here are five ways you can get motivated to write:  1. Associate ONE Place With Writing Irish novelist, John Banville gets up early every morning leaves his house and travels to an apartment in Dublin city where he spends the day working on his novels. He says: “I live in Dublin, God knows why. There are greatly more congenial places I could have settled in – Italy, France, Manhattan – but I like the climate here, and Irish light seems to be essential for me and for my writing.” You might not be able to afford an apartment solely for writing – and I agree with John about the weather – but you could carve out a quiet space in yo…

Contributor Guidelines to ADDitude Magazine

Contributors’ Guidelines Thank you for your interest in contributing to ADDitude. We’re always looking for strong writers, expert webinar hosts, and powerful stories about ADHD, learning disabilities, and other related conditions. 1. Writing for ADDitude MagazineWho: Most ADDitude articles are written by journalists and mental-health professionals. However, we are happy to receive first-person articles by parents, employers, teachers, etc. with personal experience with ADHD or LD and insights that might be helpful to ADDitude‘s readers. How: Read articles on to understand the kinds of articles we publish. Please be aware that story concepts you propose may have been suggested previously by others or may already be planned for publication by our editorial staff. What: If you’d like to propose an article idea or submit a manuscript you’ve already written, please send a query letter to ADDitude. Your query letter should include: A brief description or outline of your ideaWh…